All Storms Pass

by

The Small Bow Anonymous Family Orchestra

Illustration by Edith Zimmerman

Checking In

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Checking In 〰️

*****

This month we have family drama, relationship hiccups, near relapses, rehab entrances, rehab exits, but everyone’s finding a way. Everyone’s Anonymous this month.

*****

"My partner has always waited for me to say yes to marriage after a beautiful engagement with another person that ended in heartbreak. The ex and I always thought we'd dance to "When They Fight, They Fight" by the Generationals, but they left, and this is the first time I've been with someone who embodies that instead of just playing it on the Sonos. When we fight, we make up, and we do it when we say we'll do a better job. 

So last week, I said I was ready, and we started planning in earnest.

And we danced feverishly in the living room on a Wednesday. We were a little drunk, but it felt okay. We danced even though I'm a terrible dancer, and they're a trained dancer. We danced to Florence + The Machine and Amy Winehouse, and it was staggering how beautiful it was to watch a person live and move in perfect rhythm at that exact moment. 

I think we're going to elope in Vegas. I think I might invite my family."

*****

"I had my first ketamine-assisted psychotherapy session in early March and, in preparation for that, decided to stop the every-night-drinking that had become a new normal since the pandemic began. The KAP was awesome (five stars, would recommend), and I haven't had a drink since. It'll be five weeks this Tuesday, not that I'm counting. I've lost weight, and my evenings are more productive, e.g., I pack the dishwasher, spritz down the sink with vinegar, and water the plants. It's the little things. I don't consider myself an alcoholic (I had a problem with something harder and nastier for about a decade and managed to shake that three years ago), but my genes are 100% Irish, and I'm from an ex-British colony where people drink like fishes. One or more beers or cocktails at night had become de rigeur as these two interminable years wore on. I may attend one of TSB's Zoom calls one day. I'm nervous, though. An astrologist explained it to me once: something squares or trines something else in my chart, and I'm allergic to congregations of all stripes. But I digress. I'm not drinking, and I'm proud of myself for that. Go me."

*****

"I bought a painting from France. So, I'm a real wild card some days. Clear eyes, full hearts."

*****

"Sobriety, round 3, day 3. Irritable, anxious, hopeful."

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"Yesterday, I took my son and his friend for a slice. My son and I got pesto, his friend got cheese.

A customer walked in who was friendly with the man behind the counter. The man from behind the counter greeted the customer with an embrace and a comfortable, joyful conversation. He disappeared behind the counter again and returned with a half-empty fifth of Jameson.

They quickly passed the bottle back and forth, and, within minutes, promptly drained it while chatting.

As I sat there watching - blessed with my son's company–more than anything else, I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink with everything I had. Every cell. Every thought. Every indescribable bit of energy in every atom. I paced in my room that night –climbing the walls and fighting to keep myself from walking to the corner store. I considered cigarettes as a way to placate myself but was too scared as they lived at the same corner store as the liquor–a short block away from me at that moment. 

I played the record through–the hangover, the disappointment, unemployment, loneliness, poverty, homelessness, replacement of everyone, and everything I care about with suffering and madness. I still just wanted to sit alone in my room drinking Jameson.

Glad I didn't–but I don't know how the next one like that will turn out. I fucking love drinking."

*****

"10-year sobriety anniversary coincided with a 3-day management meeting held at an Indian casino resort. It was odd but okay."

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"We had a health scare where I got a glimpse of what it would feel like to lose my oldest kid. She's pretty much fully recuperated. Her parents are very much not. Living concrete proof that she could be snatched away from really, really makes me want to retreat from the world with booze and pills. Wanting to be fully present to enjoy the goofy, weird kid she is keeping me on the straight and narrow, but goddamn I'm still scared even if I don't want her to know it."

*****

"I've been sober for 18 years and still have to remind myself to be grateful. Having a medical emergency about 4 years ago sent me spiraling down and only got worse through the pandemic. The moments of "what's the point?" Pop up when least expected, but usually when I'm sick or getting sick. I hang in because I know the alternative, but I miss the fervor and thrill of active recovery."

*****

"I'm feeling: Not worthy. Hopeless. Easier to just stay the course and not do the work. Scared of rejection from others but especially myself. I know this is the path in my recovery: my ego and my training from my family of origin are trying to keep me small and in the pattern, but gosh, it's hard to feel hopeful that I deserve anything different. It's easier to clutch tight and try to control instead of letting go. I remember moments of hope, but they feel fleeting. I am scared. But I know new things are possible. I'm scared I won't like myself on the other side of this. But maybe that's not real?"

*****

"I've been thinking a lot about being right-sized in this world –in my work, in my relationship with my partner. Basically, keeping my ego in check, where it needs to be, right? Neither too high nor too low. I am not a piece of shit, nor am I King Shit. And the other thing - patience, patience, patience. Being patient as I grow and my partner begins to trust me again. The work is slow....(stealing from a friend...)

I am feeling hopeful more often now. Hope and patience...one day at a time."

*****

“Week one of treatment. Five days of exploration about stigma, communication, meditation, anger, styles of communication, and new people. I was surprised at how heavy I felt all week, down and depressed but then I remembered it is normal coming off of meth. I’m feeling a bit more upbeat today and looking forward to the week ahead. I still feel overwhelmed, confused, anxious, and sleepy. I’m trying to meditate and exercise and keep a gratitude journal.”

*****

"Two years as of Feb 23rd. It kind of came and went without much fanfare. The way I like my birthdays to be. Work has seemed strangely manageable, my dating life is non-existent and for once it seems like a good thing instead of a death sentence of loneliness. Through all of it, even in the most lonely evenings, the suffering is inevitable but the misery is optional.”

*****

"To be honest, I don't really know what my problem is, so I've avoided going to meetings. What would I label myself anyway? An emotional addict? Filled up to the fucking brim with anxieties and an itch to drown in anything and anyone, feeling like I'm always walking that tight rope between sanity and oblivion. How am I feeling? I feel like a perpetual mess of a barely functioning human. Who in their right mind lets me through those doors? Unbeknownst to me, I was expected to just be a well-adjusted adult? And the irony is that I'm freely given the responsibility of taking care of people's children, some of whom will likely be way more fucked up than me. 

Anyway, I found out a few days ago that not only does my boyfriend want to move back home, but I'm not exactly invited to the homecoming. I've known this feeling of homelessness forever, but these moments just prod an achy bruise. I can see that he's pushing me away out of fear, and it feels like I'm watching a scene in a movie. You know those ones where you can anticipate that something gruesome will happen based on the music and all I can do is watch the self-implosion. But who am I to judge?

There are a lot of Taoist teachings that talk about letting go of fear and hope and the self, but fuck me if I have any idea what any of it means. If I don't have hope that things will get better, that I'll get better, then what will get me out of bed in the morning?"

*****

"I'm embarrassed by how good my life is right now!"