Your Mind Is At Odds With Your Body

An Interview with How Long Gone’s Chris Black

On Saturday, October 17, 2015, I took a selfie just a few minutes before my US Airways flight departed JFK for West Palm Beach International Airport (PBI), arriving at approx. 9:50 a.m. This was the third flight I'd booked to PBI in 36 hours. I skipped the first two. I wanted to "push the date," as I frequently did then.

So you were a "pill guy" but you quit cold turkey? Or am I not remembering that properly. Either way, the saga behind your decision to no longer Oxy would provide some great insight.

I quit cold turkey.

My ex-wife and I were going to see her family. I was packing my suitcase and falling over, slurring my speech. She left for the airport without me. I threw my things in a bag and got to the airport just in time. She had taken a video of me on her phone and showed it to me. There is nothing more potent than seeing yourself at your lowest point. It was then under the fluorescent lights at an Irish pub in a Newark airport terminal that I admitted to myself that I had a problem. It was a relief.

I felt like shit all the time. When you take copious amounts of oxycontin, muscle relaxers, and Xanax every day, you feel good for about two hours. The rest of the time, you feel foggy, lethargic, unenthused, bored. A blob, a bump on a log, a stationary object melting into the couch. 

The first couple of months are insane. Your body psychically hurts you can't think very clearly. But I was driven by the sense of accomplishment, the small victory of going another 24 hours without using drugs. I socialized a lot, guzzled coffee, took scalding showers, and I logged countless early morning hours at the YMCA on Bowery, perfecting my bench press. It's a full-time job because your mind is at odds with your body. I have never felt anything like it. 

What's a sneaky side effect that you've noticed? Like, for me, I no longer wear mismatched socks. Before I'd just grab two socks and say fuck it I'm out I'm not taking my shoes off. But now I get a little glitchy if don't wear matching socks. 

I stopped eating breakfast. 

My routine was an early morning SoulCycle class in Soho to sweat out the previous day's intake. Followed by a big bowl of Kashi GO Lean cereal with almond milk to line my stomach before swallowing pills. I did this for years. Once I quit, the sugary cereals also got cut. I love them, but now, the thought of that brings me right back to being high before 10 AM. 

Have you had to cut anyone out of your life since you've been sober? Do you still do nightclub shit?

Only the drug dealer! Using drugs becomes part of your identity. I was functioning, got my work done, and exercised, but I had this secret that made the day-to-day exciting. It felt like I was always getting away with something. Opiates, for me, were a solo endeavor. It's not like cocaine or alcohol. I don't go out much, but that has more to do with my age than with sobriety. I rarely feel true temptation. I am aware that my life is much better now, and I try to keep that top of mind. 

Have you had any shaky moments? Tell me about your root canal and your choice to not use the good stuff and stick to Tylenol. 

I had a big bottle of Whole Foods vitamins that I kept pills in. It sat in the cabinet with the rest of my supplements for almost six months after I was sober. It seems demented now to keep that in the house, during those early days, when the whole thing is fucking shaky, but I think I was testing myself. When I got rid of them, I honestly didn't want them. It felt good. 

I had an emergency root canal. It might have been the worst pain I have ever felt. I told the doctor I couldn't take the pills, and he assumed it was because they upset my stomach. I explained to him that I had a problem, and it just wasn't an option for me. It was awful, but the thought of relapsing was worse. Like a lot of addicts, I am an all-or-nothing person. That is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

What's your running schedule like? Do you think running is a replacement drug for you? If not, is coconut water?

I exercise every day. It's a mix of sessions with my trainer, solo weight lifting, running, hot yoga, and tennis. It is a replacement for me. I think that feeling of routine and accomplishment fills that void. It helps me sleep soundly and think clearly. I don't know where I would be without it. But yea, I drink a lot of Harmless Harvest as well.